


Heavy

by Oogi



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Gen, I really don't know why I wrote this shit for her birthday, Pls kill me, So I'll tag the triggers, This is very trigger heavy, Vomiting, uh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 08:58:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13567188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oogi/pseuds/Oogi
Summary: Maki hated her birthday. She hated the thought of it, she hated the thought of being celebrated, she hated the thought of existing today. She hated feeling heavy, everything was heavy.





	Heavy

And this was the day Maki never could look forward to. Her birthday. She actually had gotten a day off, but honestly, she would rather suffer with anything than be reminded that today was her birthday. Everything about this day made her want to punch something or someone. She didn't want to be celebrated and she didn't want to be reminded of the fact that technically, she was still alive.

She didn't want to be bothered. Her whole body felt even more heavy than it normally already felt, as she stared into the darkness of her room. She hadn't bothered getting out of bed, nor had she bothered to pull up the blinds. So she had been staring into the darkness the whole morning. Really, she just wanted to sleep through this day, but her mind wouldn't let her sleep. The more she thought about the fact that it was her birthday, the more she wanted to be buried.

And she hated thinking about this. Maki wished she could just shut down her mind for today. But she couldn't. Whatever she did, she fucking couldn't. Burying her face in her knees, the assassin hugged herself tighter. She did need some comfort, hell did she need it, but she didn't want to get up and bother anyone. They'd just remind her of the fact that it was her birthday and try to celebrate her. And she hated the thought of it, she didn't deserve to be celebrated.

Not with all the blood on her hands.  
Not with all the lifes she's taken. All these lifes, all these people that are never going to get a happy birthday again, just because she was selfish like this. And Maki didn't want to think about it, she hated it. It was so unfair. She shouldn't be allowed to have a happy birthday.

Maki glanced over to the knife on her table. She saw a lot, even though it was completely dark in her room. The benefits of being an assassin, huh?  
She shook her head to herself, slowly sitting up, really moving for the first time for today. She hated how tired she felt, how weak and especially, heavy.  
No matter how thin she got, no matter how less she ate, how much she threw up, how light she got, everything would keep feeling heavy.

Her whole existence seemed to weigh her down, every single feeling going through her head was like another 20 kilogram on her shoulders. And it was heavy.

No matter how much she starved herself, she was heavy.  
She was heavy.

Maki groaned loudly, running a hand through her hair, finally on her feet. And with how she felt, she would have rather just dropped dead right here. But she needed to get up at least. She didn't bother making anything, she simply tied up her long hair, slowly opening her room door. She immediately paid attention to her surroundings, just hoping nobody would see her. It's not like she's eaten anything worth eating recently, so she had to get at least something down.

If she kept it down, was a completely other matter, but right now, it wasn't something she wanted to think about. Really, she didn't deserve to eat. Not with how heavy she already was.

With how heavy everything already felt.  
Leaning her hand against the wall to regain some strength, she sighed to herself. What a terrible day this already was. And she couldn't just shut down her thoughts, either. She wished she could, honestly.  
As she continued walking, Maki started hugging herself, a little anxiously. She didn't want to be seen. She just wanted for everyone to forget that she existed in the first place, she just wanted for everyone to not know her for today.  
But that was too good to be true, honestly. Finally reaching the dining hall, she pretty much expected everyone to have left already, as it was (probably) already afternoon. Well, the sun was setting high enough for it, anyways.

Maki wasn't sure how long she had stayed in her room until getting up. And she didn't care, either.  
Peaking inside, she let out a relieved sigh, as she didn't saw anyone she knew inside of it. (She would have preferred it to be empty, but this was better than seeing anyone she knew or cared about.) Kaito would probably make too much of a fuss about it, Shuuichi would congratulate her and Kokichi would just poke fun at her and that was something she really didn't need.  
She wasn't sure if the others would care, but this was enough of a pain already.

Simply all she got was a small bento box since Kirumi always made some for everyone every morning and (obviously) Maki hadn't gotten hers yet. Just holding it in her hands was enough to make her feel even more heavy.  
She was going to eat in her room, she wasn't planning on staying outside and taking the risk of being seen.  
She really didn't need to be seen today. She didn't need to be reminded she was alive. Nobody should remember she even existed.  
Maki was back in her room. Back, alone with her thoughts, in this endless (feeling) darkness. It was almost nice and comforting, to her, anyways. Her head was already a dark enough place.  
Sitting down on her bed, as she almost immediately threw the bento box across the room (rather than eating it). But maybe, just maybe she should at least try to eat a single bite.

Opening it, she could immediately feel a pit in her stomach as she stared the food down, rather than eat it. Really, she spent about a minute mindlessly staring at the food, feeling heavier with every second, even though she wasn't even eating yet.  
She hated this. She hated everything about this. Maybe she should do something about this habit, tell someone, but really, did she deserve that?

Hell no.

Maki began untying her hair again (as it was more comfortable), simply continuing to stare at the food she was supposed to eat. Maybe she really should.  
Hugging herself for a moment, she slowly slid up her shirt, as she could literally count her ribs at this point. ..yeah, she should eat.  
Hesitating, she slid down her shirt again, shifting and reaching for the bento box. All she had to do was eat something, but this day already made her feel heavy enough.

Continuing to stare down the food, she finally, slowly, started reaching for the food inside of the box, already starting to feel the urge to throw up at the first bite. Swallowing, she held her hand in front of her mouth, already feeling like crying. She shouldn't be eating, she shouldn't be getting even more heavy.  
She bit her lip, reaching for the next bite, even though she already wanted to throw up all of her insides. Rather keep it in, if she didn't want to die. Well, she wanted to, especially today, but she couldn't. (mostly because somehow, there were people caring about her)

As much as she hated the thought of that, it was true, so as less as she deserved it, she continued forcing down the food. (Feeling more and more sick with every bite.)  
And as she finally (actually) finished, she couldn't help the tears, feeling heavier than ever. It weighed her down, as she threw the (now empty) bento box across the room. She hated herself for having actually eaten up.  
What was she thinking? She didn't deserve this (actually not) much food, she didn't deserve all of this. And with the tears slowly overflowing her, Maki couldn't help it, jumping up on her feet just to run to her bathroom.

Feeling heavy like this was nothing she could stand, she hated it so much, she hated it, she hated herself, she hated eating, she hated living, she hated existing, she hated, she hated this, she shouldn't have eaten, SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE EATEN.  
But, she stopped for a moment, staring into the already cracked mirror. (She once punched it during a breakdown) Running a hand through her hair, she began tugging on it harshly, she couldn't help herself but rip out a few strands of her hair. (Her hair was already not very steady, due to her severe underweight)

Beginning to scratch open the few scars (and cuts) on her arms, she couldn't help but continue crying. She didn't deserve to eat, she didn't deserve to be alive, with all this blood on her hands. With all this blood she could never get rid off, no matter how much she rubbed. Spotting the (now actual) blood on her hands, she felt even sicker in the stomach, immediately getting back off the ground. She hated this so much.

Maki leaned over to the sink, beginning to let ice cold water flow over her thin, way too thin hands, just cooling them down more than they already were. She wiped and rubbed, to the point of literally scratching open her hands, as she tried to get the blood off. She couldn't see it anymore, not today, not any day really, but today especially not.

She couldn't stand it, she couldn't stand all of this, it made her hate herself so much more. And as she finally started seeing clean again, she couldn't keep it down anymore, salty tears trickling down her cheeks. Leaning forward more, all the food she had eaten already began coming up again. Choking on the vomit for a second, she turned to the toilet, before vomiting out everything she had gotten down not even half an hour ago.

And she kept force vomiting, until nothing came out anymore(naturally, that was). She stopped for a moment, swallowing, as she wiped her mouth on a towel, sitting on the ground, in front of the toilet. She felt a lot less heavy, but (obviously) it was still too much for her thin shoulders, that were shaking at this point.

Her stomach felt completely empty again (just like it should), but she still couldn't help the feeling of wanting to throw up. So it didn't take long for her to lean up again, slowly beginning to stick her finger down her throat, purging out a lot more than she should, until she had blood (not only on her finger) but also in the toilet. Maki started coughing, holding her throat, as it was more than just hard to breathe at this point. Her voice felt raspy, as she had finally stopped crying, her look completely empty. 

Good

She slowly dragged her fingers across the already broken glass on the mirror, getting back up on her feet. She looked horrible (utterly terrible) but she didn't exactly care. She felt better now, so she had stopped. She wasn't feeling as heavy, anymore, so there was no use in purging out her insides.

Tired, she felt terribly tired after all of this. It didn't exactly make her feel better, but at least she was numb now. Wiping her face with a towel, she dropped it again, ignoring some of the blood that was still flooding out some of the wounds she has scratched open.

She didn't care, though. In her room again, she simply dropped on her bed, burying her face in her pillow. At this point, she was nothing but skin and bones, but she's fallen too deep to control it. And if one day she ends up dying because of it, then so it be.  
This was a price she paid for all the lifes she's taken. It was just fair.

Rolling around on her bed, she pulled off her shirt, staring down at her thin stomach and her showing ribs. "..." (Maybe she was really too thin.) Sometimes, she understood Saiharas and Kaitos (and at times even Kokichis) concern, but she didn't really want to understand why they actually cared. She didn't deserve it at all.

Slowly, her fingers ran over her ribs, softly feeling them. Huh.. She hated being this weak, this easily broken. But it felt less heavy, it felt a lot better, she felt better. She didn't want to feel that heavy, she was already heavy enough. (No matter how much she starved, she would still be heavy)

She didn't care enough to put back on her shirt. (Not that it mattered, she was alone in her locked room) So, she simply laid down on bed, pulling her blanket back over her again. She wasn't sure of the time, she wasn't sure how long that breakdown took. She had calmed down by now, her mind was as blank as her stomach and that was good. She wanted everyone to just stay away from her for the rest of the day. To just let her stop existing. 

 

And to let her simply sleep through this day..

**Author's Note:**

> ...  
>  But no matter how much she slept it off, she'll wake back up.
> 
> Hello! I'm not even sorry for this, haha. I would love to have some feedback, though! Please don't hate on this headcanon though, you're not gonna change anything.


End file.
